December 2, 2018
"The action or habit of estimating something as worthless"
Sounds like what I've been told for nearly 30 years.
Worthless, inferior, low in quality.
The ingrained concrete foundation of negative experiences and thoughts remain.
....slowly being chipped away though.
Things still do affect my mental health:
*My sports teams that I follow losing. Feeling that they are a reflection of myself.
*Personal targets not being met.
*Comparing myself to others.
*Finances. Its expensive living on your own
*Being by myself - this one has changed recently, the long walks have increased my negative thoughts and trigger depression. They've found a way in.
*Being with other people polarises the above. There is still a 180 degree shift in my mental health between being alone and being with people. I can't see this changing. Aargh.
I mean, don't get me wrong; I am having more positive experiences, but my brain can't get used to them and is doing all it can to make them vanish or smothered over with negativity.
I mean I am still visiting places, getting out etc.
But it's like my brain says "well done for going out, BUT...." and it's that "but" that seems to be a suffix to every sentence.
This sounds exactly like my experiences in the last few decades with my family:
Comments that "shoot me down"; Sugar-coated fake responses, disinterested interactions, comparing me to others -
"It takes a real man to have kids"
Eye rolls at me saying something factually incorrect
"Shame you didn't get an "A" though"
It goes on.
I still dream of my family in various scenarios telling me off or dominating me.
Clearly my brain has been taken over by them.
Thats why it's going to take years to resolve my mental health problems.
Toxic parenting. Toxic friendships. Toxic family.
Conflicting Thoughts - 30 years of Depression, Anxiety and PTSD
June 28, 2019
Q: The meaning of life? A: 42
September 12, 2018
Good news ≠ good mental health
July 28, 2019
The Rising Phoenix
June 22, 2019
Please Stop. :(
April 20, 2019
Cymru am byth
February 28, 2019
2018: A year in review
December 19, 2018
November 2, 2018
July 2019 (1)
June 2019 (3)
April 2019 (1)
February 2019 (1)
December 2018 (2)
November 2018 (1)
September 2018 (2)
August 2018 (7)
July 2018 (5)
I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!